It’s been almost a week since the beginning of everything. I can say with certainty that it was the longest week of my life, and perhaps one of the most difficult.
I have not reached yet the most ‘important’ point, their first time, because I went extensively into panic. The night before the date I was already very depressed, both physically and emotionally, the idea that I had to face 48 endless hours with that anxiety it was destroying me. I knew that I couldn’t take it anymore.
Every time they had physical contact I felt that a piece of my relationship with him was being ripped off, a piece of that implied agreement that ensures you that he is only yours.
The night he called me to tell me the plans he had for the next day (hotel and bdsm session), and I stopped being quiet. I completely stopped accepting the situation, which I helped to create myself, and I asked him to blow her off and see each other instead. It may have been the most selfish request of the month, but I said it with despair in my throat. I needed to get him back, I was ready to say “That’s enough” to everything, I just wanted to stop being so hurt, to sleep badly, to eat badly, breathe badly. All my life during the last week seemed to have taken an acid tone, and I had enough.
He understood immediately how important it was for me, and didn’t hesitate in saying yes. But then he introduced some…extenuating circumstances, let’s say, that made me feel more and more selfish and more and more choked.
First of all, she had lied to her parents to stay out the whole night; he was involved in first person and didn’t want to risk ruining the situation; there was a risk that after this huge blow out she would be gone and he didn’t want to repeat the whole process to find another girl; for the group he goes out with, avoiding her would be impossible and would create a bad atmosphere.
The fact that he was the one who was actually exposed himself in order to get her put me in the corner; my desire was putting him in a bad position.
My head began to swirl as the awareness that I’d have to endure the idea of him in that hotel in order to not ruin everything grew in me. I received constant reassurances, but they were nowhere near enough because his tone had already changed, had become thoughtful, and I knew that my request had come at the worst time.
He told me that we would put a pause months or years long to all this, because it was obvious that I wasn’t ready yet, that he would think 40 times before satisfying me with such requests in the future, and that he could no longer see me so hurt. But again, it slipped out of him this flat tone of voice saying it was a hassle because he had exposed himself in first person.
It didn’t take much till I was crying for the second time. But this time it was not for release because I was in his arms, this was total despair because I expressed my strongest desire -to cancel their meeting- and I realized it was not wise to satisfy it. I felt on the edge, I had bile in my throat and the next day he would be locked in a hotel room with her.
It was more than I could bear.
I cried for an infinite time, until I was no longer able to swallow. I didn’t want my tears to move him to please me, but in the end it was what he did. He would probably say that he had decided immediately after my request, but after his “ok” there were 3 hours of his monologue about why it would be a hassle, knowing that she would be gone, the reasons why it was going that bad etc. I kept apologizing for the situation I had caused, and I began to annoy even myself for my compliance. I had to give myself a tone and decide to go on firmly, because if he was putting himself at risk to give me the opportunity to do what I wanted, the least I could do was being sure.
In the calm following the crying I suggested to go if it was so uncomfortable for him to blow her off, that I would be comforted by the fact that it would be the last time I had to be without him. In the end he met me instead.
I had to agree to them meeting before I arrived because he had to explain the reasons for his absence (totally invented); again she moved to ask for reassurances, she begins to follow the roadmap of all the lovers that the more time passes and the more they want to gain ground on the girlfriend. I am almost certain that she will want to be his, and will try to show off in front of me. It’s still a very weak attitude, but the safety of the time spent together that will come will give her a hand and I know she will try to increase the distance between what THEY do and what WE do. She is already walking towards what will be the race track, now it’s my turn.
I speak of the time that will come because after my desperate outburst we pressed the button ‘pause’, not the button ‘stop’. I am too aware that things were so much worse because of my distance from him. If I could see him every day, if we were at our house I am sure that I could stay on my feet. Instead I was totally alone, in a hell with him hundreds of miles away, with the only hope to hear him on the phone when he had a little time. Casting out nines were our brief encounters, where the excited states were limited and easier to expel.
Now we expect at least 15 days of vacation from the physical sessions of cuckqueaning, and frankly I can’t wait. Seeing him last night was like coming home after the first day of school. We seemed a couple on the third day together, I missed him like crazy and I finally could say “see you tomorrow” and “I want to sleep” without destroying my stomach. I slept so well, and I woke up rested and the day passed without low tones and acids. Tonight I’m gonna see him again and tomorrow we’ll finally return to our home.
We talked about how to keep her in these days of rest, and although it is something that bores him, we decided to keep her busy with a ‘virtual’ relationship . He will give her tasks from the phone and she will respond with photos and videos (the first one has already been sent, and I am very curious to see it). I talk about it and do it much more easily, because for me a relationship of this type is still totally affordable, despite the jealousy. Enclosed within a cellphone she is so small that I can hold her in my hand and I can stay with him while she does her ‘homework’. I can even give them to her without her knowing it. When they see each other it’s as if they tie me to a wall in an impossible position and they say “we will release you when we’re done.”
In summary: The first week was hell because of the distance, after 15 days of virtual relationship we’ll decide what to do for the rest of the summer, and we will be careful to ensure that those circumstances won’t happen again.
The good news is that now we know what is the limit beyond which we must not go, what are the factors that make me fall.
Without the time of despair, the idea that we would have stopped with the cuckqueaning made me sad, because I’m still convinced that it can be my own way (although I still have doubts about the form that it should have). We will see.