Archivi tag: domination

Giu7

First Taste – part III – ENGLISH VERSION

Pubblicato il da
Standard

I was expecting the blast, but in the end it didn’t come.
I desperately tried to spend the evening not thinking that he was about to have sex with another girl, and in the end it turned out that I have to repeat the heroic test because he didn’t do it.
Not that he has done nothing.
One thing that I’m feeling growing is the deep anger every time I write “another girl,” because now we can easily talk about “her.” Recognizing her figure is something I was not ready to do yet, and I don’t feel like I am even now. He is not approaching a random girl, not anymore; this girl has stayed for at least 3 meetings and I’m afraid she will be for many others. So, the moment is approaching when I must accept that she has completely worn the lover dress, and that for the period that will follow she will be as real as the table my computer is on now. It’s not an obvious thought, only hearing about a person can give you the hope that he/she is only imaginary.
When his stories become too painful I erase their faces and limit myself to record the scene as if I were watching a porn. The whole issue could just be a figment of my imagination. But she continues to be named, through his words I begin to recognize a pattern of behaviour, her personality, her way of relating to him. Knowing that she is real is the most painful discovery of the day.

His “updates” are starting to have a sour taste of jealousy, because my head automatically depicts the moment when they look at each other and assume that kind of expression typical of two people who share something (even the only intention of spending the whole night together), and it’s something that makes me mad.
When I tried talking to him today, I realized I did that kind of nonsense-talk I wanted to avoid so much, that one dictated by pure emotions. What I feel stronger than anything else now is insecurity and jealousy. Having these two, I push to him the responsibility to make me feel better: I would like for him to fail in his attempts with her because he cannot quite take away from his body the imprinting “I wake up only when she is here, MY girl.”
I also realized that I’m afraid of his silences and his words, I’m afraid to believe and accept it when he says that he would not be able to do it with a girl he doesn’t know, that he wants her to have a little crush on him, that he still doesn’t know if he wants to maintain contact with her in the future.
I feel a bit like a kid who covers their ears and starts screaming in order not to hear anything. I cover my ears over what he says and I shout that whatever he does I feel worse and worse.

Today is the day where I also realize that I’m seriously beginning to be jealous, and the fact that I can’t see him every day leaves me without any security on my role. So just as she might be imaginary, even I could be that. She is part of the stories I hear through the phone, but at least they see each other. Often. I’m the one whose only contact with the “Couple Reality” is the phone, and spends her days biting her tongue. I might be a ghost, a story that he occasionally tells her when she gets too curious.
Another thing that becomes increasingly evident is her interest in him. She can also write on her face that he doesn’t want any relationship, but for me it doesn’t change the fact that she dares to text him that she absolutely wants to fuck him. I wish I had the power to blow up that phone in her hand.

This is probably the step I thought I’d have to overcome: from “insecurity and jealousy” to “jealousy + insecurity = competition.” The hardest step, being able to take all this and turn it to my advantage. But how can I do it if I feel totally trampled under foot? The hints of pride impel me to avoid any kind of good will because it would be like putting my head in the sand, if I leave them free to create me problems. Yes darling, come, fuck my boyfriend, take a crush on him, no don’t care about me, I’ll be invisible next to the dresser, do as if I were not here.
I have to face their first time (and if I have understood how my twisted sense of jealousy works, I’ll have to face even the next times), find a way to create the chemical reaction for the competition, readjust my body because I cannot go on for that long not eating and sleeping 5 hours a night, to build something that will give me back a clear identity. The person I was proud to be is not doing anything extraordinary at the moment, just listening like a good moron to her boyfriend telling her that her girl-friend has rubbed herself on him, horny as ever.
My compliments.

I must find a way to return to myself, I’m afraid that if I lose the right time to raise my head, I’ll stay submerged for a long time.
Soon they will fuck, I gotta pull myself up. Shit.
I can’t go to war without weapons.

Giu6

First Taste – part II – ENGLISH VERSION

Pubblicato il da
Standard

Perhaps this post will have a much calmer tone than the previous one. I would even dare saying a ‘boring’ tone. If you are interested in action scenes, please wait for the next post, otherwise enjoy this one with the second phase of “Oh my God, and now where do I find the courage to meet him?”

For those who don’t remember where we’re at, my boyfriend has happily spent the night entertaining her friend (please, pay no attention to verbs, I still can’t be calm while talking about it), I woke up not that gaily just when he was returning home, I got him to tell me word for word how fun it was and then I left him sleeping as I knotted my stomach.
The following night we met. I mean, last night.
I was very nervous, because of the bad weather I was only able to put the boots and a pair of jeans when I’d have rather showed some pretty dress. The new top happily gave a hint of sophistication, so I left home with fair confidence.

We opted for a big shopping center, just to be safe from the rain, and seeing him in person after all that had happened made me very uncomfortable.
Suddenly I felt like I was with a totally different person, a stranger: the mannerism was different, the voice had a tone and a pace totally different than usual, even his face was strange to me. It was as if I could notice every single trait of him that didn’t make the whole sum I was used to anymore.
He held my hand, hugged me, gave me compliments and joked, but for me he was a stranger who had spent the night with another girl. I wasn’t angry at him, I only thought “Hey, who do you think I am?! I know you have been with another girl a few hours ago, and now you’re already playing the lovesick Romeo with me.”
I saw his hands and when I couldn’t help but think that he was my boyfriend, the memory of what those hands had touched crawled under my skin. His arm around my shoulders and I thought that he had done it with her too, he had joked with her too, he had touched and licked her too. I didn’t seem to have problems with the thing itself, it wasn’t the sequence “you’re with me -> you have been with another one” that was bothering me, but the one “you have been with another one -> now you’re with me again.” Fingerprints were glowing on his whole body, I could recognize every single cell that had been in contact with another body and I couldn’t stand that he would stain me too. I didn’t feel clean.

I know that I was silent and cold for most of the evening, I wasn’t able to see him as I did before even for one moment. I was afraid of not being able to recognize him anymore; I had read several times that other cuckquean couples after a ‘session’ would take time just for themselves, to reassure the cuckquean and strengthen their bond. I had read the loving and day-dreaming stories of those women. I was angry with myself because I couldn’t do it. “How dare you touch me?” was the only thing I felt when he leant his hand on me or got closer to the point of touching my shoulder. I couldn’t even believe that those compliments were sincere, for me they were tricks to soften me; a trick just like the one used with his girl-friend. I was ashamed, and not knowing what to say I just remained silent.

When it was just  a couple of hours to the end of the date I asked him to go to a place where we would be alone. I wanted to be able to change things because I couldn’t bear to go back home and feel more abandoned than before.
Once reached the place I just had to find a way to communicate with him. I kept on being reluctant to physical contact, closed in the same car in silence I felt that his whole body was screaming the ‘betrayal’. The more I heard the yelling and the more I couldn’t recognize him as MY boyfriend. I couldn’t stand that I had before my eyes the same person I loved with my whole being, and the more the evidences conflicted with my reality, the more I tried to distort it to save myself. I would have rather had him abandoning me than betraying me.

As soon as he started talking (I don’t even remember about what, maybe he was metacommunicating on the ‘session’) I felt my eyes burning from tears. Although his voice still sounded different, I recognized that way of dealing with contents. Only he and I had that kind of nomenclature, and the more I realized it the more I got upset thinking “Then it’s YOU who touched her!” After seeing my expression, when he approached I noticed the caution with which he was moving not to bother me, and at this care I started crying. I’m not talking about crying like when tears come down and you have runny nose. I sobbed for an indefinite time with my entire body as if I was falling apart, I stopped only because I felt so dizzy that I was afraid of fainting. I saw in my head all the fantasies that I had made about their night, and it hurt to overlap them to the carefree memories of us in our apartment.

Once I finished venting physically I immediately felt better, all the feelings that I had absorbed flew from me, they found a valve through which they could go out and release me. The first need was to kiss him, to feel his loving touch and rebuild my figure. I rediscovered his body as something I wanted to be mine and I hadn’t felt like that since the first time we got back together a year ago.
We made love and I had never felt so possessive, as if I was trying to show him that I could make him feel better than anyone else. I knew that it was my selfish desire, and that talking about the purely physical, the chances of finding someone better than me with him are high, but I recognized in me the will to make him mine again and I know it’s part of what I wanted to cultivate with cuckqueaning.

Tonight perhaps there will be the last part, the most difficult one. I’ve been quiet all day, but giving him the green light cost me a pounding heart and sweaty palms. I keep on being scared, and I have no idea of what it will means to know that he has had sex with another girl. Knowing that he wanted to touch her was enough to throw me into panic, now we’re talking about something worse.
After last night I have the hope and trust that as a couple we can mend these cuts, and I will try to make my terror of feeling that pain again not enough to stop me from developing this experience and nurturing it as something that will bind us even more.

That being said, I still tremble.